This week, Adult Swim’s high-maintenance, low-pain-threshold princess goes a-tastin’.
Tastings, been there, done that, daddy bought a cellar full of Peruvian White as an investment a few months back (the area is the industry’s worst kept secret). His broker tells him that its price should be going through the roof just as we emerge from this ghastly recession in two or three years’ time. I also vaguely recall being dragged along to a beer-tasting session at Olympia when I was going through what mummy calls ‘one of my phases’. What was the name of that blue-collar worker with whom I had a brief liaison a few years back? He had very big hands as I recall.
Doctor Burnorium’s Hot Sauce Emporium (if you think that’s a mouthful, just you read on!) have sponsored Adult Swim’s Top 10 Sauciest Moments – and very saucy they are too, particularly the scene with that Brock chap from The Venture Brothers … but I digress – and they’d seen fit to furnish us with samples of their hottest sauces. My assignment was to taste them, rate them and report back.
Sounds simple, yah?
I wish.
This princess is far happier on the slopes of Aspen than the sweaty beaches of Florida, and you can guarantee that my après-ski Bloody Mary doesn’t contain the merest hint of Tabasco!
But I like a challenge – and believe me, if you can cope with the loos at a music festival and the occasional use of the public transport system then you can cope with just about anything.
There are 4 recognised stages to wine tasting:
- appearance
- aroma
- taste
- aftertaste
and I thought I’d use them as the basis for my foray into the world of chilli sauce tasting. My photographer cum assistant had very wisely armed me with the requisite antiserums, namely sour cream, guacamole, water, milk, beer and Coca-cola to help me with any fallout.
First up – Rectum Ripper.
Not to mention my general distrust of alliteration, if the name was any indication, this wasn’t going to be pleasant. Also, its two principal ingredients were mustard and ginger, hardly as charming a pairing as Fred and Ginger, or even – if I’m being brutally, murderously honest – Fred and Rosemary West.
appearance –Bolognese sauce meets Sicilian sun dried tomato sauce
aroma – Loyd Gross-out-man
taste – surprisingly palatable
aftertaste – I’m lost for words, and that rarely happens
Rating: 7/10
Next up – Professor Phardtpounder Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce
If I wanted to remove unwanted toxins from my body the family doctor would recommend a suitably qualified irrigator!
appearance – just like the piccalilli mummy makes for the W.I. fete
aroma – similar to the piccalilli mummy makes for the W.I. fete
taste – nothing like the piccalilli mummy makes for the W.I. fete – i.e. extremely pleasant (sorry mummy)
aftertaste – lingers far longer on the tongue and lips than the piccalilli mummy makes for the W.I. fete
Rating:9/10
Finally – The hottest fuckin’ sauce
I subscribe to the idea that there’s no need for profanity, it’s blatantly indicative of a poor vocabulary. However I also like being straight and to the point; I don’t believe in beating around the proverbial bush. Let’s see what wins out.
appearance – deep red – the colour of blood, STOP and Miranda from Sex And The City’s hair in Season 3
aroma – if you can smell fear then you can also smell danger
taste – by fudge that’s fudging hot!
aftertaste – pass the sour cream, someone send out for more bloody milk!!
Rating: 6/10
So there you are. And while I wouldn’t want Doctor Burnorium anywhere near me during my monthly health check I’d have no problem inviting him and his ‘medicine’ bottles along to one of our family garden parties – he can spice up my cold meat canapes any day!
And so another assignment comes to a successful conclusion. We’ve had the Big Chill, with chilli sauce tasting hot on its heels; here’s hoping that my next assignment will be a trek through Chile. Some hope, more likely a bus ride through the Chilterns. Haw haw!
